Inner Dialogue at Cat Feeding Time

My cat is a little ankle-biting creep. He has taken to biting me whenever he wants food. What should I do?

You should put him in a cardboard box and only feed him the odd potato.

What?

Oh, sorry. That’s my childcare advice. You should give him everything he wants.

But won’t that make him fat?

Probably.

Won’t he get diabetes and cystitis?

Would you mind?

Yes I’d mind. And so would my vet.

You mean, you’ve only put your cat on a diet, making him crazy and unruly, because your vet says so?

Yes.  My vet is qualified and is only interested his health and wellbeing.

You mean your vet told you off and you’re only interested in your vet telling you you’re a very good cat-owner.

I don’t want her to frown at me ever again.

I see. You want your vet to love you.

But she doesn’t. And my cat bites me all the time.

Put him in a cardboard box…

You are officially no help, other self.